Welp. We can all unclinch our bowels now that Tiger Woods has given his speech addressing his sordid affairs. We'll get right to it. Here are the highlights:

He denied that Elin ever put her hands on him. If you remember, it was earlier claimed that she took a glof club to Woods' head just before he got into his car and subsequently ran into a fire hydrant. He says, "Elin never hit me that night, or any other night," Woods said, his voice rising in anger. "There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage."

Woods also revealed that he felt "entitled," concerning his multiple indiscretions. "I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply," he said. "I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead,I thought only about myself ... thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I was wrong, I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me."

Concerning returning back to the game of golf, Tiger remarked, "I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out it will be this year."

Woods plans on heading back to sex rehab as well. All in all, the press conference was very weird, and if you as us, a little unnecessary. He owes his wife and children the apology, not America.